In Search of Myself

A visual

I was sitting here thinking about how different middle Tennessee is from where I grew up.  I now have a SuperTarget ONE MILE from my house.  And yeah, that seems silly to care about, but when you come from here:

and then after 14 years, move here:

you can't help but be struck by the differences, even 11 years later.

(Those two maps show the same area, an inch is equal to 50 miles.)

Sad towns

Jake and I were listening to the Cars soundtrack -- our favorite CD right now -- and when #5 came on (the song that plays as they're talking about how Radiator Springs USED to be, before the interstate bypassed them), Jake said "Mama, what happened to that sad town?"

wow.  My kid shocks me sometimes with how intelligent he is.  Sometimes it seems like he's just not paying much attention.  But he is.  He especially has a great audio memory -- he can associate things he's heard with where they go, like where they are in the movie or which song is on a mixed CD with other songs if he hears it on the original album.  crazy.

So I tried to explain to him that some towns, like the one we're in right now, are always building new houses and new buildings and there is a constant stream of new people moving there and businesses opening.  Towns like that are alive and growing and healthy.

Then I tried to explain that other towns just can't grow.  People leave more than people move there, there's hardly any houses being built because there's just no need, new businesses don't come to town because there's just no use.  People still live there for one reason or another, but the town isn't really ALIVE.

Yeah, I have first-hand experience in that.

Then Jake said "Mama, we live in a GOOD town."

Yes we do, buddy.

Me in 1984

Well first, these pictures got me thinking about what I wrote on the page -- just how much time I spent on that stage in the 14 years I lived in Montana.  The auditoriums at the high school and middle school were the only ones in town, so that's where we had everything -- piano recitals, community Easter services, any kind of production (I was in R&H's Cinderella here, and played the piano for Pirates of Penzance here), and wow, so many choir concerts I've lost track.

The other thing that was weird, to me, is that I'm only about a year older here than Jake is now.  I was 5 and a half when I started Kindergarten -- so I'm feeling pretty good about not starting Jake this year, when he would turn 5 a month into the school year.  He can start when he's been 5 for a while.  :)

Target!

Here is a good example of how my life is different living here, than where I grew up in Montana.

All my life, we were 2 hours away from almost anything retail.  Walmart, Target, a mall, decent restaurants . . . yeah, they were a 2 hour trek to Billings.

On the way to work this morning, I looked at the huge construction area just off our interstate exit, and I saw a sign announcing that Target will go there.  That's been the rumor and all, but this is absolute confirmation that I will have a target less than TWO MILES from my house.  There's already one 7 miles one way and 12 miles the other.  AND I live like two miles away from a major hospital -- which, again, was a 2 hour trek for 14 years of my life.

There's a huge difference between 2 MILES and 2 HOURS.  And I am SO THANKFUL that I'm here and not there.

The thing that bothers me about Colstrip

(umm, just in case you're brain-dead, that's a picture of Colstrip above.  heh.)

My mom and I (and Jake) were in her suburban, driving to Murfreesboro on Memorial Day.  Lou was at work, Kathy was at work, and my dad didn't feel like going, so it was just us.  We drove from her house, down (Name Name) Parkway past the turn to my house, to get to the interstate.  I was looking around and showing her the new buildings that had gone up in the last few weeks and we had a conversation something along these lines (I'm in blue):

It's great to see all these new buildings and businesses go up.  Even since two years ago when we first moved here, this strip has completely changed.  It's been growing right before our eyes, I love it.  Just in the past 18 months they've finished the new hospital, built Wendy's, Arby's, Publix, three banks, Chili's, Starbucks, A&W/Long John Silvers, and a church.  And that's just what stands out in my mind.

Mmmm-hmmmmmmmm.

And you know, that's the thing that bothers me about Colstrip.

What.

Every time I've been away from somewhere else and I go back -- like Bloomington, Indiana, parts of Nashville, even Billings! -- there is all this development, all these new businesses and buildings sprung up everywhere.  But that's just not the case in Colstrip.  It never changes.  There's never anything new.   If nothing else, there are more businesses CLOSED since the last time you've been there.  Even my elementary school closed!  When I dream about Colstrip, I always dream that it has developed like a normal town and there's all this new stuff everywhere and it's so cool.  Even my subconscious is frustrated with the town.

But why do you CARE?  Why does it bother you?  You don't live there anymore, you don't HAVE to go there ever again.  It shouldn't matter.

But it DOES.  Because it's a part of me.  A FOURTEEN YEAR part of me.  My formative years were all spent there.  You can't spend that much time of your life somewhere, especially at that age, and not have it affect you deeply.  Even if you do walk away.  Even if you never go there again.  It's still there in a part of you, following you around your whole life.

. . .

You have issues.

Yeah, I know.

Photos and Andy-Ra

I was sorting through high school pictures last night in an attempt to finally have them ALL sorted and in photo albums . . . I still have some work to do, but I made a little progress.  Anyway, whenever I look at old pictures and ALLOW myself to actually look at them and feel something, it's an emotional experience.  I know I've said I don't care about what the people from my high school are up to, but the truth is there are SOME of them that I care about.  I wonder what they're doing now, I wonder if I was a good enough friend to them, I wonder if my lack of friendship to certain ones who wanted to be in me/Kathy/Andrea/Brandon's circle of friends had an effect on them.  I hope it didn't, but I know that at the time it really hurt them.  Mostly I get homesick -- not for Colstrip, but for the friendships I had there.

And strangely enough, Andy-Ra e-mailed me this morning.  She sent me some awesome pictures from Hawaii, and since I miss her so much -- and feeling inspired from the pictures (ok, and jealous) -- I put together a page for her in PhotoShop.  It took me about 20 minutes (don't hate me!)  Wanna see?  (Andy, we can get this printed through an on-line developer, I'll tell you how later.)