Sad news.

There's an older couple at church -- and when I say older, I mean older than me, like in their early 40's -- who I found out a few months ago were pregnant with their first child.  They are lovely, intelligent, wonderful people who I just assumed were the type who just didn't want children.  Come to find out, it just hadn't been happening for them and they were thrilled to finally be pregnant.  They are reserved people, though, and I had to hear about the pregnancy through the grape-vine -- sadly, my grape-vine is two 9 year olds who hear everything their parents talk about.  I'd rather hear pregnancy news in private anyway, though, so I have some time to digest it and get over whatever issues I have before having a chance to talk to the mom-to-be.  I know Sue and I have said before that it's hard to find out that other people are pregnant when we don't get to be again . . . to say it's like a stab in the heart would be exaggerating.  It's more like a punch in the stomach or a kick in the face.  But for them I was genuinely happy because they are wonderful people who would be great parents.

Anyway, yesterday before dinner at church I was hanging out with the younger church kids and the "dad-to-be" came over to say hi.  He's such a nice guy -- quiet, but in a confident way, always playful with the church kids, joking with them and making faces at them and such.  He volunteers a LOT with H*bitat for H*manity -- like every single weekend.  I don't know he and his wife really well, but we've been at the same church for 4 or 5 years now, so we are friendly and say hello.  I figure now that we have parenting in common, we can talk about that.

I said "So are you guys going to find out if you're having a boy or a girl?" 
His face dropped, and he quietly said "We lost the baby.  A few weeks ago."  several beats of silence.  "But it was a boy."
My upbeat and bubbly demeanor was quickly replaced with quiet embarrassment.  I immediately started apologizing.  "Oh my god, I'm so sorry.  I didn't know.  No one told me.  That's so horrible.  That totally sucks."
Evie gave me a look.  I'm not supposed to say "sucks" around her.  You know what?  For this, the word is appropriate.
He said "No, that's ok.  Not everyone knows, we haven't made a big deal out of it or really announced it or anything.  In fact, I'm still getting e-mails from friends congratulating us on being pregnant.  I got one today, in fact."
I said "Well, I was just asking because I always try to keep up with presents I have to buy and I wanted to make sure I had enough pinks and blues . . ."
He quietly said "Well, it would have been blue."
We talked a while longer and I told him again how sorry I was, and he said thank you, and then he went to go through the dinner line.

He was so nice and so calm about the whole thing, but very obviously heart-broken.  I was glad he was so kind about my making a fool out of myself.  I was so glad I hadn't said anything to his wife.  I had been excited to get to talk to her about babies.  (Being so much younger than most of the people at my church, sometimes finding common ground to really get to know people is hard.)  He said they were going to try again, and I hope that happens for them.  I really can't imagine what they're going through -- hell, I'm heart-broken FOR them.  I asked Evie after he left if she had known, and she said yes.  "Why didn't you tell me?" I asked her.  "I don't know, I thought you knew," she said.  "Well next time," I told her, "for something this big and this important, tell me anyway just to make sure I know, ok?"  She said ok, but I'm hoping we won't ever have to have that conversation.

Comments

[Bes]

I've looked over your scrapbooking site and some of your LO's. You are a very talented scrapper. To show this couple that someone other than them appreciated the life this child had, though brief and he didn't even survive the womb, why not make them a scrapbooking layout sans pictures in memory of this lost pregnancy. I think it might provide some comfort for them especially since they have probably been having trouble in this area for a long time.

Of course, I'm probably out of line in suggesting that this be done for this couple.

[Jen_Jake'smom(forBes)]

that is a sweet suggestion. I've been trying to figure out SOMETHING I can do, but not sure since the pain is so new for them and I don't know them really well. I think I'll see what happens in the coming weeks to try to figure out what would be appropriate.

thank you for taking time to comment. and thank you for the compliment. ;o)

Jen

[Ninotchka]

Have mercy, Jen. What a horrible thing to happen. And poor you, you didn't know! What an uncomfortable situation. I think you handled it very well or as well as anyone could. :(

[Kelly]

How heartbreaking Jen. I am sorry. :(
Thank you for both of my banners hon, you rock and I love you.
Kelly

[Kate]

Oh jeez, the same thing happened to me a few years ago. My ex-husband's aunt announced she was pregnant at our wedding, after 11 years of trying. She was almost 20 weeks. Later that summer, at ex's sister's wedding, I went up and asked her if she knew the sex, and she started bawling. The baby had died sometime between 20-24 weeks.

Doh.

[Sue]

Oh that's sad :( I'm sorry you had to go through that uncomforable situation but you handled it very well. I really feel for those people - I hope things work out for them.

[Sandi P.]

One of my close friends from church just miscarried 2 days ago. I spent a couple of hours with her at her house after church last night, just to let her know I was there for support if she needed me. I also took her a beautiful sympathy card. Situations like these are never easy! God bless that couple; and God bless you for handling the situation as best as you could.

[Rae]

Jen- I am so sorry you had to hear like that. Something sorta similar happend to me. I used to do hair. I had taken a break and then year or so later went back to my old salon. I had an old customer come back after she found out I was back. Well, I had cut her son's hair once. She was being very quiet and I was not too sure why. So trying to make conversation and asked her how her son was. She said, "I was hoping you wouldn't ask" ...."he died".........."Oh my God" was all I could say and "I am so sorry" I felt horrible. He and his girlfriend were driving to Canada or something and it was very late at night and she was asleep in the passenger seat and he too fell asleep killing them both. UGH!
So I can relate.