Your Job as a Parent

No one wants to be told by a third party what their job is.  When I was in high school, I had a math teacher who only cared about his football team.  Somedays I honestly thought that he was a teacher just so he could be a coach.  (My high school math education was so bad then when I took the ACT, I got a 30 on reading, a 30 on writing, and a 24 on math.  I got a book, taught myself the things I was supposed to know, took the test again and got a 29 on the math.  So obviously, something was lacking.)  During football season this teacher didn't teach us crap.  He would write our assignment on the board, quickly tell us how to do it, then say "If you don't understand, ask someone who does," and then he would work on his football plays and football paperwork.  I was ALWAYS the person everyone came to for help, and I don't mind helping a few people, but it was getting absurd.  Finally I said -- loud enough for him to hear -- "You need to go ask Mr. At*r, because it's not my job to teach you this material."  He came STORMING over to me, obviously angry, and said loudly "Don't you tell me what my job is!"  I looked at him calmly and said "I'd like to be excused to the choir room."  (I always went when I was bored and Mr. F let me play piano in a practice room.)  He let me go.  If he hadn't, I was going to walk to the principal's office and have a chat with her.  I actually wish now that I HAD gone to tell the principal about it.

BUT ANYWAY, that story is a preface to the following commentary about parenting.  I know that no one wants to hear how they should be dealing with their children -- hell, me of all people.  Most of the time I meet comments with a "yeah, ok" smile and a "f*ck you, thanks for playin'" in my inner dialogue.  And really, the things I'm about to say about people's jobs as parents should have you saying "DUH" and it's really sad that it has to be said.

Did you watch SuperNanny on Monday?  I posted last week about how much I love the show, and every time I watch it I like her more and more.  The kids, though, AMAZE me.  And I have to give the parents credit for WANTING to change and admitting that there's something wrong . . . but holy cow.  Andrew was a mess.  I was mortified when he grabbed that little girl during their playdate.  He was violent and cruel, and a 3 year old is old enough to understand actions like that.  Hell, I was holding Jake accountable for behavior like that before he was 1.  What really got me, though, is that Andrew's mom rarely stepped in to stop him from being violent and mean toward his friend or brother. It is your job as a parent to protect other children from your child. I know that we're supposed to protect our kids from stuff, but if they have trouble behaving or adjusting to new situations or just playing in general, you are responsible for the safety of children in your child's path. Even my darling Jake has had moments of pushing Zoe to be mean or coming close to stepping on Aowyn, and when he does these things, I IMMEDITELY intervene, tell him what he was doing wrong, and either remove him from the situation and make him realize he can NOT act like that again, or help him figure out what to do next time.  Sometimes it's just a quick "hey, we don't do that.  Do this instead," and problem solved.  If he hurts someone, I tell him no angrily, set him aside, comfort the child he has hurt, then take him away to time out.  (I've only had to do that twice.)  And it's too bad Priscilla doesn't post on my blog, because she can attest to you that it works.  I trust Jake and Elauna playing together almost 100% because he has learned by now what is and isn't ok.  They have a little playhouse they play in at Elauna's house, and they can be in there together for 10 minutes where we can hear them but not see them, and they never have a problem.  And Jake is 14 pounds heavier than Elauna so I know how important it is that he be NICE and GENTLE at all times.  Priscilla should never have to worry about letting the girls play with Jake, because my job as a parent is to make sure Jake doesn't hurt them, even accidentally.  (Ok, and my other comment on this week's SuperNanny: did anyone else notice the mom totally copying the English accent when she said "the naughty spot."  I almost fell over laughing.)

Here's story number two about parents' jobs.  Ya know how Zoe is ALWAYS coming to my mom's house sick and getting Jake sick?  And how her mom always plays dumb about it and saying "oh I thought she was ok" or "I thought her nose was just running" or some other dumb excuse.  And I THINK all sort of things I wish I could tell her but I never do.  So anyway, Monday I got to my mom's and she'd had the kids outside playing and Jake stunk to high heaven (good Lord, that kid sweats.)  We were on our way to see Elauna, so I threw Jake in my mom's huge garden tub for a quick bath.  Zoe was immediately jealous, because sometimes my mom gives them a bath together and she was mad that she didn't get a bath.  Her mom showed up 5 minutes later and instead of packing her up to go, said "well can't she have a bath, too?  She really wants one."  So I let Zoe hop in with Jake and I sat there and soaped her up and played with both of the kids while Z's mom sat on her butt and talked to my mom.  I couldn't help myself, I had to say something.  So I mentioned that we were on our way to see Elauna, and that I had to give Jake a bath because he smelled.  I then said  "I think it's really rude to bring kids over to someone's house if they smell, or if they're sick, and I'm not going to be a rude friend." LOL.  I really hope I made my point.  I was saying it in a nice way and saying it's MY personal philosophy and that's a rule I live by, but I'm REALLY hoping she read into it like a normal person would.

Comments

[Sandi P.]

You tell 'em, Jen!

Thanks for saying all the stuff we as parents want to tell other parents sometimes. "It is your job as a parent to protect other children from your child."

Love. it!!

[Sue]

Wise words Jen. I wish other parents would get the message, like M's sister who just sat there with half a grin on her face and let her 3 year old push, pinch and terrorise Ryan on Monday. I was the one 'parenting' her son, saying 'we don't do that', 'gently!' or 'no Matthew!' Grrrr.

I hope Z's mom got the hint. You got the message across VERY tactfully and very well IMO.

Sue

[Kelly]

VERY WELL SAID JEN. I couldnt agree more!
Thanks for a great entry!

[Analisa Roche]

Found you on BE - love your site!

[Andrea]

Hey Jen!
This was good! I especially liked the beginning! I had to take math AND history from At*r. Just like you, I didn't learn much at all during football season. Did you know he's the athletic director now and the head b-ball coach? Talk to you later!

[Tricia]

Ohh I so agree with the parenting! I get so upset with my sister especially and her parenting or shall I say, nonparenting?? I love SuperNanny too! JoJo is a smart lately and while my kids are no where near these kids on the show, the show offers some great advice and techniques shall we need them.

Math? Just yuck! LOL