American Idol from a musician's standpoint

Ready?

I watch American Idol simply for the auditions.  It is SO FUNNY to see people who think they are musically talented get up there and then get shot down.  It amazes me how so many people are living in parallel universes and think what's coming out of their mouths sounds good.  Ok, really, it's sad, but it makes us all feel better about OURSELVES, right?  The funniest thing, is the people who are the worst singers are the ones who are the most self-confidant about the whole thing.  I love the pre-audition interviews.  You can tell who is going to suck by the way they talk about themselves.  Most of the people who actually have musical talent are semi-humble about the whole thing and more realistic.

Being able to carry a tune while singing along with the radio does NOT qualify you to be a rock star.  At least half of everyone in America can do that -- I'm sure you're a lovely person, but you're NOT special.  Even those of us who truly consider ourselves musicians -- you know, who have TRAINING in music and who have MADE MONEY doing musical things -- don't think we're the next superstar.  We realize that not everyone gets to be famous, that being famous -- while paying better than accompanying a church choir -- doesn't make life perfect, and that being famous isn't the only option for someone who loves music.  I have a passion for music, too, but I'm not on AI crying because if I'm not famous my dreams are all crushed and all I want to do is sing, it's what I live for.  Well damn, go home and join a church choir and sing to your heart's content.

I realized somewhere along that way that even though all I thought about growing up was music, I wasn't meant to be a famous musician.  Even in a college music program, surrounded by people who all thought they were the next big thing (heard of Josh Turner?  We both took classical voice lessons -- only because it was a degree requirement -- from the same teacher), I knew that they weren't all going to be famous, no matter how much they wanted it or how hard they worked (and ya'll, some of them were GOOD.)  Gradually we come to realize that "hitting it big" isn't the only option for a musician.  Some people wised up and switched to music education majors instead of commercial music performance, because that degree doesn't mean SH*T in the real world.  ("commercial music performance" is basically learning how to be a rock star.)  I realized that I wasn't ever going to be a great pianist, but that I was a functional one and I could make money playing for vocalists, and that I was a good piano teacher.  And that's ok.  As for singing -- hell I can carry a tune, I have relative pitch, I can harmonize anything, I can read music front and backward, I have sang solos in MANY places (and several states -- Andrea?  Back me up, tell them I can sing!!!  ha ha.) . . . but does that mean I should get on AI and whine because I'm not going to Hollywood?  No, because I know my limitations.  I don't have a power voice.  I have a small range.  I can't write music to save my life.  I don't have the body or teeth to be in music videos.  I don't have the ENERGY it takes to try to keep momentum going in a career like that. 

Being a performing artist is exhausting.  I was in a campus ministries choir in college and in the summer we went on a 10 day, 8 state tour.  By day 4 I was ready to go home, and by day 10 I never wanted to sing again.  I didn't re-join the choir that next year, because I just couldn't take it.  And that was in a 50 person choir, not trying to hold an audience's attention for 2 hours BY MYSELF.  Some people are cut out for that.  Me?  I'm too lazy.  (Not to mention what a pain in the ass it is to be in a recording studio and try over and over again to get it right, and ok just one more time, we've almost got it.  I've done that twice [once for the choir and once to sing back-up for a friend] and it takes hours to get a 3 minute song right and the studio gets hot and everyone starts going crazy.  Do that for a living?  No way.)

The one person I really respected on Tuesday's show? The guy who was in a band and made it through the next round, then had to go quit his band -- the guy himself I almost respected (at least he was actually a performer), but his drummer was cool.  He hates American Idol.  He was like "dude, whatever, go be on the show, but what we're doing here is way more important than what they're doing.  It's all bubblegum fake crap anyway -- this here is real." HE was cool.

Before going on AI, people need to ask themselves:
Have I ever actually heard myself sing? (if not, my 2 year old has a tape player you can borrow.)
Has anyone outside of family and friends complimented my voice?(while not laughing?)
Have I ever been asked to sing in a public place? (churches, weddings, events, etc.  But even this doesn't put you in the clear.)
Do I get boo'd at karaoke bars?
Do I know ANYTHING about music?
Do you have anything to offer that thousands of others don't? (like writing your own music [music that doesn't suck])

What I get really tired of is, after being told "You cannot sing," the person saying "Oh yeah? well I'm gonna be a singer, I don't care what you say.  I'm gonna make CDs.  I'm gonna be a recording artist.  F*ck you."  Contestants telling the judges to f*ck off doesn't make sense -- if you were wearing a red shirt, came to me and said, "Hey, is this a blue shirt?" and I said "No, dude, that's a red shirt," would you respond with "f*ck you!  It's a blue shirt!  You don't know anything!  Your shirt is stupid!  What makes you think you can judge MY shirt?!!!  I'm going to go make shirts on my own!"

If you REALLY want to make a CD, then make one.  Today's technology makes it very easy for an amateur to record on his own.  There are also TONS of independent studios (often geeks with recording equipment in their living room) who you can PAY to record you.  You will have to get studio time, someone to be the tech to run everything, have someone for back-up music (a band, a pianist, an accordion if that's the sound you're going for), and either have your own original songs or get songs you want to sing copy-right released (get permission to use them.)  If you suck really bad, you may have to pay people extra to help you make the recording.  After you make the recording, there are tons of places out there who will burn copies of the disk for you if you don't know how.  Find yourself a graphics artist (ask around at design colleges, I'm sure there are broke students who will free-lance) to design a CD cover for you.  So seriously?  MAKING the CD isn't the problem.  You can do that on your own.  Now you have to find someone to BUY the damn thing.

Here comes the problem.  If everyone who could KIND of sing made CDs, we would ALL be selling them.  And NO ONE would buy them.  I think what we depend on record companies for, other than doing the leg-work and PR for artists (and to play puppet-master), is to weed out the losers less than stellar singers from the masses.  Of course, they have a tendency to choose hot bodies over real talent half the time, but whatever.  But if you want to be a singer and "get yourself out there," hell, make a demo, cut a couple tracks, and build a website.  Put samples of your music on the website along with purchasing information on CD.  Getting people to VISIT the website, is of course a problem, but hey on the internet word spreads like wildfire -- if you're good and you get a couple people to listen, the word will get out.  If you suck, well we'll probably laugh at you and you'll lose money on the whole experience.  But at least you'll have "shown" mean-ole-Simon that you can do it on your own.

Comments

[Holly]

Jen,

Damn, girl! I didn't know you were so freakin funny! I am reading this practically with tears streaming down my face. You are hysterical!

Thanks for improving my day.

Bless you, girl!

[Sue]

Ha! Love the red shirt/blue shirt analogy. I'm really pissed that we aren't getting to watch AI over here. We saw it last year and the early episodes are hysterical. So many think they're the next best thing LOL. I just love the tantrums.

[Andrea]

This was perfect!!! I absolutely loved it! I was watching this last night with my folks and I swear I gave a very similar speech to them! Sometimes while watching the bad ones I have to turn the channel for a few minutes because they are so completely off pitch that it literally hurts my ears!! I would never put myself through the kind of humiliation that those people go through and I've been told a time or two that I can carry a tune now and then!! And yes, Jen, you have a very lovely voice, no argument here whatsoever!! :o) It's also really sad when you are so BAD that they actually give you a record contract like that little Asian dude from a while ago!! And don't get me started on the girls that get record contracts just because they have a nice figure and someone to computer enhance their voices!! Aaaaaah! It is seriously a musicians' nightmare!! I'm so glad you wrote this because Andy and I completely feel the same way you do!! In fact, that is the whole reason Andy joined the Army to be in the band! He knew there was no possible way he could "make it" in the music business and he didn't want to do the bar band thing for the rest of his life! That certainly doesn't give you benefits and a retirement plan!! He was realistic. I just wish some of these other morons could get a clue!!

Whew! I went on a tangent there! Sorry about that. I feel much better now, though!! Thanks for that! Later, girl!

Love ya,
Drea(o:

[Kelly]

WOW! Thanks for the laugh!
You home today?

[JenniferD.]

Jen, I totally agree with everything that you wrote. Bravo! Mark and I are both singers and he's a guitar player. We have a very good ear and seriously laugh our rears off when we watch A/I. Not just because these people CANNOT sing, but because they honestly think that they CAN. It's insane!

That was a great read and you explained it all very well. Have a great weekend girl!

Take care,
JenniferD. :0)