In Search of Myself

Will wonders never cease.

My child is so weird.  Beautiful, lovable, and sweet, yes -- but weird.

Ya know how for the longest time he has been refusing to look at me and smile a normal smile for a picture?  He'll either look down, look sideways, frown, give me a cheesy grin, anything but what I'm going for -- and that is to capture the sweet smile I see when he's happy or excited about something.  So I have to be sneaky and get a picture when he's not expecting one.  That, or bribe and beg him.

So imagine my surprize last night when Jake climbed into the laundry basket to watch T.V. and he didn't move when I got out my camera.  I said, "Jake, look at me and smile."  AND HE DID.  I was shocked.  Then he said "Take?  'Gin?"  He wanted me to take his picture again!  And he smiled sweetly again!  I'm not sure what in the world is going on with this kid, but I hope it lasts!!!

Interesting . . .

Here is an interesting article about baby blogs from the NYTimes.  If you haven't seen it yet, pop over and read it.  It's an OK article -- brings up a few good points and even has "experts" theorizing about why we write these things.

"Today's parents - older, more established and socialized to voicing their emotions - may be uniquely equipped to document their children's' lives, but what they seem most likely to complain and marvel about is their own. The baby blog in many cases is an online shrine to parental self-absorption." Umm, I'm 26 and I was 23 when I had Jake, so "parents are older" is a pretty broad generalization that doesn't apply to a lot of us.  And it didn't take becoming a parent to be self-absorbed, I was already like that (thank you very much.)  AND most of us don't just talk about parenting.

"How will the bloggee feel, say, 16 years from now, when her prom date Googles her entire existence?"   Heh.  Ok, this IS funny, but we do try to be at least a little subtle -- it's not like my son's full name is spelled out here for all the world to see.  (Although he IS pretty Google-able.)  But who says this will even be on-line when he's 16?  Good Lord, can you imagine the burden on TypePad to archive 14 years of my blogging?!!!

"You're turning your life into a story that helps answer the question, 'Why on earth am I doing this?' "  Ok, now this I can agree with a little.  It's like I said in my last post about writing -- the ACT of writing is the act of discovery, and we're thinking about our lives and what it means to be a parent -- and dude, that's a good thing.

I think what the article failed to touch on, is that being in blog-world is a way to establish your own little community.  For some of us who don't care about how much traffic we get or how many hits we get a day, it's a support system.  It's about knowing that a certain number of people -- your friends -- are going to come by and talk to you every day or two (or three . . . ) and they genuinely care about your life.  And you go to THEIR blog and keep up with them and support them with what they're going through, too.  It's also a good motivation to sit down and WRITE, because you know someone actually cares enough to read it (whereas writing in a paper journal and trying to make sure something is recorded about your child's life is pretty damn thankless.) 

Let's not miss the point that we want our children to know what our lives are like, and what their lives are like.  We want them to know what we're thinking as they develop, to remember the fun times we had, even to let them know that although we love them, life is not always peaches and yeah, sometimes it sucks.  Isn't it better to be open about it and ask for advice and support from people going through the same thing than just stew about it and keep it bottled up?  So many new moms feel completely alone in the world because they think they are the only ones who feel the way they do.  It's so liberating to read someone admit their failures and doubts and fears, then to be able to write about your own.  Writing these blogs is like free therapy -- ok, $8.95 a month for some of us -- and it's an alternative to a journal or scrapbook.  It's a great way to make and sustain friendships for those of us who have time to type but now always time for lunch dates or play dates.  Recording the details of their lives and yes, our reactions to their lives, is a gift to our children.  I would love to read about my own mother's experiences in raising me, and I hope that someday Jake DOES want to read this. 

Those are just my thoughts.  What do YOU think?

P.S.  I've been doing more reading, and found some other bloggers who wrote about this (not that I'm surprised that a lot of bloggers are blogging about an article that analyzes why we blog.)  Click here to read T.O.Mama's entry, click here to read Andrea Buchanan's entry at "Mothershock," (read the original post content), and click here to read more from Andrea about why it's important that moms blog (The last few paragraphs are very powerful.)  These ladies all say what I'm thinking about the whole topic so much better than I ever could.  Hop over to read their entries, then come back and tell me what you think about all of it.

On Writing

I'm starting to really like quotes.  Maybe because they're so useful in the scrapbooking world, and they're everywhere in scrappin' layouts and magazines.  The latest Simple Scrapbooks had the following quote next to an article about journaling (journaling is all the words you write on a SB LO.)

"The act of writing is the act of discovering what you believe."  David Hare

I like this quote because it's so true for me right now -- I am honestly still struggling to figure out who I am and what in the world I'm doing.  I kind of thought I'd have it figured out by now, but the more I think about it, the more unsure I am.  And if I'm just thinking and thinking and thinking I can go crazy, because nothing seems to make sense.  But once I start writing -- in my blog, in my scrapbooks, in letters, in a notebook, whatever -- I start pinning down at least a few things that I can hold on to and at least kind of organize everything incoherent that's going on in my head.  I've always written in a journal on and off, since I was about 12 --  I just have a lot in my head that I feel the need to write down. 

And you know, I used to think that being a good writer had to mean being a published  writer, being a famous writer, being a profound writer -- but now I'm realizing that being a good writer means that I have a way to figure myself out and to express to friends and loved ones (and especially Jake) how I feel.  I don't need to write a novel (geez, who has the time?) and I don't need to have poetry published (there's not a huge market for that anyway.)  I just need to write every day to keep my sanity.  And that's ok.

Something fun

I thought I'd make something new for my blog . . . if any of you want one, tell me which colors you want, and what year you want it to say.  (Remember, years can be when you started your iP diary, doesn't have to be when you started the better way to do it, a blog.  heh.)  I will make as many as I'm asked for and put them all on my blog stickers page when I'm done.  You can leave the request in the comments for this post.  Have a good day!!!

Thinking of Isaiah

Following is an excerpt from a letter from my cousin Kim (remember, Kim is Melanie's older sister.  They are #s 2 and 8 of my uncle's 10 kids):

Isaiah had a sleep study -- an overnight stay at [Children's Hospital.]  (Not a good experience for either one of us!)  He only slept three and a half hours of the eight hour study, and in that time period he quit breathing 26 times for periods of 15 seconds or longer.  It's considered severe sleep apnea so they are going to take out his tonsils and adenoids on January 27th.  He has to stay in the hospital overnight or maybe longer depending on how he does.  He will take about two weeks to heal and during that time he has to stay home to avoid infection from other people.  I'm not looking forward to it but I hope it will help with his night-time sleep habits.  The ENT doctor says that 99% of kids that have a T&A done stop their night wanderings and have fewer to none of the sleep apnea episodes.  We will see.

Kim has a lot on her plate with 3 kids under the age of 4, and Isaiah with Autism.  I am thinking of her today, and praying that Isaiah's surgery goes well.

P.S. GOOD LUCK KELLY!!!

P.P.S. here is Melanie's school picture from this year (click to open.)  Isn't she just beautiful?  She's doing well, and we're trying to find a way for her to come and visit me for a week or two this summer.  I've been promising this to her since she was like 8, that when she was 14 or 15 she could come stay with me.  Well guess what, she's 14 now, so I have to keep my promise!!!

Mornings Blah . . . and a song

Jake has been having really bad mornings lately.  He wakes up as I'm getting ready for work -- and I'm always on a tight schedule anyway -- and cries and cries.  He wants me to hold him.  It makes sense -- you're a toddler, it's the middle of the freakin' night (ok, 5:30 a.m.) and you're awake but not ready to be.  It makes SENSE that you would want your mama to hold you.  And the mother part of me wants nothing more in the world to take him in my arms and lay back down with him and let him feel safe and happy, and sleep 3 more hours.  But the practical part of me, the part that has to deal with bills once a month, knows I have to find a way to get out that door in the next 15 minutes.  Go ahead, cry your little heart out while I get ready to go off to work, tra la la, and make a piddly amount of money, just enough so we can pay our bills and thus not have people hunting us down, demanding payment. Not that I think Sallie Mae would hunt us down, but you never know (see sidebar on left at bottom for why Sallie Mae would hunt me down.  And if you don't know who Sallie Mae is, you are LUCKY.) 

The whole thing makes me feel completely horrible, but not working isn't an option.  And it would make more sense for me to not have to commute 20 miles each way, but right now I don't know what other job I could do that's close by.  My county doesn't have a lot of JOB jobs, it's mostly a suburb for people to live in, who work in Nashville -- most of the businesses are just stores and such (or warehouses.)  What I really really want to do is work part-time -- but I know right now that's also not an option because that wouldn't bring in enough money to keep up with everything.  (And none of this crap about working really costs more than staying home.  That's bullsh*t.)  So I'm stuck every morning having to let my darling child cry while I rush us out the door.  And I'm not a morning person anyway, so that combined with Nashville traffic puts me in a pretty crappy mood for the rest of the day.

BUT, just to show you I'm not hopeless, here is a link for some pretty cool music.  If you click on it you will be taken to a MIDI page where it plays for you (like Becca's cool post!!!)  If you like Gershwin (or have always wondered what the big deal about Gershwin is), listen to this.  It's 3 preludes -- for a pianist, probably Gershwin's most popular pieces.  I can't play it (well, I've never learned it), but a good friend in college did and I was always in awe.  ;o)  It will have you smiling (and I know you need cheering up after reading this post.)

I am praying for Sean.

I know a lot of you have been following Sean's story on Shelly's blog.  For those of you who haven't seen us talking about it, Shelly and I grew up in the same hometown but are pretty far apart in school years so we didn't know each other -- but my sisters went to school with her sisters.  (Andrea -- Shelly is Holly and Mianne C00k's older sister!)  When I went to Montana for a visit last year, Shelly noticed my iP diary's entry title for that week and stopped by to mention that she's from Montana, too.  We've been talking ever since, and I admire her so much.  (Note to friends -- Shelly has changed her blog name and address due to some difficulties.  The new blog is named Life is a Journey.)

I don't know why it didn't occur to me to do this before.  I've made several "I'm praying for   Sean" stickers.  They all have the same picture, but there are several fonts to choose from, and a couple colors.  There are two sizes -- both are 150 pixels wide, but one is 209 pixels tall, one is 104.  Sean is having major surgery Monday, January 31st.  I think these stickers are a good way for us to show our support for Sean and Shelly.  Link the stickers to Sean's Caring Bridge website.

Stickers are found on my Blog Sticker Page.  Here is Sean's Sticker Page.  If you want me to make one that says something other than "I am praying for Sean," let me know.  (I'm not feeling overly creative today.)

Some new pics (and 2 videos.)

Jake has finally learned how to be bribed.  He knows when I want to take a picture of him and he will purposely avoid looking up or in my direction.  But I know his weakness.  He loves chocolate.  (And I'm not sure why all of a sudden he does, because up until his 2nd birthday he wasn't interested in sugar much at all.  I would offer it to him when I had some, and he always turned his nose up.  Now he wants M&Ms, cookies, Hershey's Kisses, Nesquik in his milk . . . it never ends.)  Anyway, he looked so cute yesterday morning and I was trying to get a picture of him -- no luck no matter how much I begged him to look for me.  Finally I said "Jake, if you look up at me and say "Cheese" I will give you some M&Ms.  And this is what I got!  (And this is what his long hair looks like when it's neat.)  (Oh, and Sheri, he is wearing the outfit you bought him.)

  And THIS is why I had my mom cut his hair yesterday.  It's really cute when it's shaggy, but it's a pain to take care of.  It gets knotted very easily at night and I have to wet-comb it all the time.  I'm thinking of buying some No-Tangles spray!  Even with the new cut (I don't have pictures yet . . . ) it's still getting ratty in the back.  Urg.  I thought only mamas with GIRLS are supposed to have this problem!

This is why Jake's crayons are now in semi-permanent time-out.  I really don't mind him coloring on the walls in this corner every once in a while, but it's been getting out of hand.  He won't even color in coloring books or on paper.  He takes it as a personal challenge whenever I get paper towels and clean the crayon off the wall (it's washable, it comes right off.)  So I took all the crayons away and he can draw on his Magna-Doodle and with his Color Wonder markers when I am sitting with him.  That's if I can keep a close enough eye on him when he tries to steal my pens.

Here is Jake with the BoohBahs Priscilla bought him.  He wants to take that orange one everywhere.  It goes with him to my mom's house in the morning, and when I pick him up and we're ready to leave, he says "Take!" and he grabs it.  It was really sweet of Priscilla to get it for him.  There's a big orange one, and a little pink one (he actually lets the pink one stay at my mom's and doesn't freak about leaving it.)

And this is Jake pitching a tantrum!  All I wanted was a picture of him  in the cute sweater his daddy got him for Christmas before we left for church on the 16th.  I'm the mom, I do everything, it's my RIGHT to take a picture every once in a great while.  (Umm, ok, every day.  heh.)  But he was not in the mood.  Oh, and you see the child-proof thing on the door knob?  This is SUPPOSED to let the child try and try but never get the knob turned.  Jake has figured out that he just has to put one finger from each hand in the hole, pull out, and the thing pops right off.  Nothing in my house is safe anymore.  He opens the baby gate on the stairs, climbs over the one in his room, and pulls his little chair over to where ever he needs to climb up to.  And we're just 4 months into the terrible terrific twos!!!  (Help me.)

But all in all, Jake is a darling, sweet kid.  For those of you who can view it, here are two videos (taken right after another) of Jake trying to count.  He's fascinated with counting on his fingers.  Nine is his favorite number, and I think 8 is a close second.  When he counts he says "One, three, one, NINE!"  At the end of the 2nd video (they're like 9 seconds each) he finally says "one, three, one!"  He's so goofy.

~ files used to be here ~

*Took the clips down (5 months later) to make room for more files on my account.  ;o) *

American Idol from a musician's standpoint

Ready?

Shout-Outs

Sue, where ya been?  I'm going through withdrawls, girl.
Kate, I can't believe Brody is a month old!  Your first family picture is gorgeous.
Shelly, we are all praying for you and Sean and we love you.
Andrea, you must be going crazy being in Montana in the dead of winter after being in Hawaii.  Don't people usually leave the cold to go to warm areas in winter?
Sheri, I'm a slacker and I still haven't burned those pics to a disk for you.  I will soon, I promise.
Kelly, I hope your weekend is grrrrrrrreat!!!  And I'm still waiting to hear what you want for your birthday.
Becca, thank you so much for writing about working mothers.  I read so much about how bad it is for mothers to work, how bad it is for the kids, blah blah blah.  It's nice to read about it from a positive perspective.
Cara, we can't wait to hear about how work is going.  And how about a new Liah-ism?
Melissa, are you any closer to opening a blog so I have a place to visit YOU?
JenA, where have YOU been?  I miss you!!!

Everyone else, I'm not leaving you out, I promise.  These are just things I've been meaning to tell people (and hey, it's easier than an e-mail!)  I love EVERYBODY and I think you are all fabulous!!!  I'm so glad I have all my fun e-friends!