Christmas ponderings . . .

  One of my favorite writers wrote about the craziness of the Christmas holiday, this year starting not on Thanksgiving, but on Halloween.  It really made me laugh, so click here to read it if you have a chance.

I've been thinking a lot about Christmas lately.  It's hard to know as a fairly new parent what to do about the holidays.  The things we do, especially around holidays, affect our children and stay with them for life (as you will read later in this post.  Remember, I'm not being whiny or bitchy, just trying to sort through my thoughts.)

Last year in my iP diary I wrote about the Santa issue.  Here it is for those of you who weren't with me then:

CHRISTMAS PONDERINGS
I've starting thinking about next Christmas, because by that time Jake will be old enough to understand about Santa Claus . . . I don't know if I want to tell Jake that Santa is real. I just feel bad about the thought of lying to my child and making him believe in something that he's going to be completely disappointed about when he finds out the truth. If you find out too young it's heart-breaking and if you find out when you're like 9 everyone makes fun of you. And yes, I know that the whole Santa thing is fun and magical, but I also feel like it's just part of Christmas being commercialized and makes the focal point for the season something it shouldn't be. I know I sound like a total dork here, but I am really concerned about raising Jake to be a good person, and part of that is to not be selfish and materialistic, which sometimes I think happens when we spoil our kids excessively, i.e. make them think that Santa is capable of bringing them anything they dream up. Isn't it better to explain that the family has a set amount of money budgeted for Christmas and ask your child to tell you a few things they would like to recieve, then buy some of the things for them, in addition to some surprizes?  And how as a child do you make sense of the fact that Santa brought you a few little things and one cool $15 toy, while he brought your friend down the street a $200 item?  Doesn't that mess with kids' heads and their sense of fairness? (I am not saying that believing in Santa doesn't make you a good person -- I hope no one twists this around and gets offended. Believing in Santa is fun, I will admit that. I'm just trying to figure out what's right for us.) And while I'm at it, do I teach Jake that the tooth fairy and Easter bunny are real? This parenting thing is complicated sometimes. Does anyone have thoughts on this? (and be nice, I'm not trying to be a scrooge, I'm just trying to reconcile the conficting thoughts in my mind on this subject.)

- - - - -

So Lou and I agreed last year that we're not going to push the Santa stuff on Jake and we were happy with that agreement.  The other day we were thinking about Christmas and I said "So you're still on board with not telling Jake that Santa is real?" and he looked at me like I was crazy.  I had to recount for him our entire conversations about it, then said "How do you not remember this?"  His response was his standard "I don't know.  I've slept since then."  He doesn't remember anything.

I asked my mom the other day what I should get Jake for Christmas, and she said "Nothing.  He has everything he needs."  I actually kind of agree with her.  He has all the videos, toys, and books he needs.  I mean there are always things I see and think "that'd be nice to have" but it has to stop somewhere.  We only have so much space in our house, and Jake really doesn't need EVERYTHING.  I did buy him a Rescue Heros fire-fighter that I will wrap up.  It's to keep at our house because he has 2 of the guys at mom's house and he likes them (he has toys and videos at mom's house that stay there since he spends 9-10 hours a day there), but really with presents he will get from family and the Star Wars figures he's getting from Lou (they're made by Playskool and Jake LOVES the ones he already has), it's not like he's going to be deprived when Christmas morning comes around.

But here's the other side of the issue: when we were growing up my parents never made a big deal out of Christmas.  (I have a lot of issues still from my childhood, if you haven't noticed.  And I'm not TRYING to hold on to them so I have something to bitch about, I'm trying to deal with them and figure out how I can avoid making Jake feel like I don't care about him.)  Every year when Christmas rolled around it was a huge disappointment.

I was never asked what I wanted, and even when I volunteered the information about things I would like, I never got them.  My mom had a friend who sold Avon (CHEAP CRAP) and every year we ended up getting a bunch of Avon crap we didn't need -- oh good, a new hairbrush and chapstick.  That's what every kid wants for Christmas.  Or she would get us practical stuff that she needed to buy us anyway, like clothes [which would have been ok but she has horrible taste in clothes].  One year my main present was a sleeping bag.  And not a cool or trendy one, just an ugly, navy blue sleeping bag.  One year in high school my dad got me a cool tin with a bag of Oreos inside, and that was a nice gift just because it was thoughtful -- it was addressed to "Cookie Monster" which made me laugh and made me feel like my dad really does know me and knows what I like!  That was an isolated incident, though.  And it's not like we had cool relatives lined up to ever give us cool gifts, or any gifts at all -- sometimes our older half-sisters would send us something [and Sheri, if you're reading this, yes we have ALWAYS appreciated your presents, you are the ONE cool person in my family!!!]

And I know NOW that Christmas is about more than presents and I've always known I should be thankful to have had a semi-normal childhood and a house and plenty of food and clothes to wear, even if they were ugly.  But how I FELT every year is that my parents didn't care enough about me to even TRY to make Christmas special.  They didn't care about my feelings or the things I was hoping I would get, or the fact that once we went back to school I would have to listen to everyone else talk about the great things they got for Christmas and it would make me even more mad. Would it have killed them to buy me that damn Care Bear castle?!!!   (We're not even going to talk about the fact that I never got a decent birthday present because my birthday is 2 weeks after Christmas.)  And I don't think any of this would have been an issue had my mother ever TALKED to us about anything when we were growing up, or made a point to do something else to make Christmas special.  I know that she had her issues from her own childhood and that she did the best she could but it's always bothered me how little she cares about my feelings, and I don't want to be that way with Jake.  I don't want him to think that I just deal with being his parent instead of love being his parent.  I want him to realize that yes, Christmas is a special season and it's a time when we can give gifts to the people we love, but it's not about getting getting getting.  The latest toys are over-rated and over-priced and he's just going to forget about them by February and he DOESN'T need every toy in the world.  But if there's something he really wants and he's looking forward to Christmas because maybe that's when he'll get the one toy he's really hoping for, hell yeah I'm going to buy it for him.

Ok, so as you can see, [A] I'm crazy, and [B] I'm really having a hard time striking a balance between wanting to give my child everything in the world and knowing that greediness is not good and Christmas is more than consumerism.  Especially at this age when he doesn't even know what Christmas is and he won't be aware of who got him what.  [and I know that some of your children at 27 months would understand the Christmas concept, just like some at 25 months understand the Halloween concept, but Jake's awareness and understanding of concepts like that just aren't there yet, so he's really not going to know what he's missing out on or the fun he's having this year, regardless of what I do.]

Any thoughts?

Comments

[Jen A]

Ok, I started to type a response to this post and it got away from me. When I hit "Preview," I couldn't believe how long it was, and when I copied it into Microsoft Word, it was 2 pages! So, instead of taking up so much room in your blog, I will e-mail you what I wrote.....and then later make a blog entry out of my own thoughts--giving you proper props, of course!

[Leslie]

Good grief--way to ask such a thought provoking life altering question on a Friday. I was all set to not use my brain today until I read your blog.....:)

I know that for me personally Ella will know about Santa. She already recognizes him and will say "ho ho ho" when you ask her what Santa says. BUT I don't intend for her to just get a million gifts. I have asked g-parents to please give $ for her college fund and then a small gift. I am sure they will not stick to this but all I can do is ask.

Dennis and I do not plan to get many things for her~ both b/c she doesn't need them and b/c it is too overwhelming for her. Last year we put over 1/2 of her gifts away and gave them to her 1 at a time all summer.

Have you thought about doing this?? I know lots of ppl who give there kids 3 gifts--b/c after all Jesus only received 3 gifts. They do stockings and the 3 gifts and that is it.

Also you could divide the gifts into 3--1 "need" (clothes or shoes), 1 "educational" (books ....) and 1 "fun" (toy).

One thing we did with Ella last year and will continue is the Angel Tree. We try to pick a child that is her same age and we buy for them. We go as a family and pick things out for the child. This year TRU had buy one get one free on the Fisher Price dollhouses. I got one for Ella and one for her angel (E. is getting hers for her b-day). I want her to know that there are children who can't afford a nice Christmas. We will also give away some of her toys to those with less. I really want to instill in her the idea that "to whom much is given much is expected". She is very fortunate to have what she does and I want her to always be mindful of that.

I guess my point is~~ I think there is a happy medium between tons of gifts and "media" hype and no Christmas at all. We plan to do some things like take in the car to look at Christmas lights one night. We will watch The Grinch Who Stole Christmas together and read the story of Jesus's birth in the Bible along with "Twas the Night Before Christmas" on Christmas Eve.

We hope to make it more about spending time together as a family.

Okay this is a novel!!

Huge hugs!! I know you will figure out what is right for you and Jake

Love,
Leslie

[Jen_Jake'smom]

Leslie, the 3 gifts is a great idea! I'm really curious to see what other parents do, so I'm glad when you guys write me novels!!!

I may try to do the Christmas lights thing this year -- he does enjoy lights! There's a lot this year that we just can't do because he's not old enough. Or is just at that age where he won't sit still! When he was 3.5 months old I took him to see the Nashville Children's Choir's Christmas program, and he sat through the whole thing! He didn't make a sound! It was glorious . . . I would never attempt that right now! ;o)

Hope we can get together soon!!!

jen

[Pink Stuff!!!!]

Jen, Wow.... This is pretty deep lil Sister! It's good to know you think I'm kewl (or at least don't want to hurt my feelings ;-) Ha-ha! I'll tell you a story bout one of the boys, not saying which one and please don't say this in front of "The Family," if you know what I mean. He had a wish, one that had nothing to do with material things... and would write a letter to Santa every year, tear it up and throw it to the wind in hopes that it would travel to Santa and his wish would come true. That is what Santa meant to him. A glimmer of hope.... He never quite writing his yearly letters until he stopped believing. Reflecting on this makes me think about how Santa, in addition to God (saying the prayer every night) helped him to get through. Now one might think that as long as they are 'there' for their children and are 'open' it will be enough, but soon one comes to realize that you are just 'one' of the characters in the play called their life. Most likely the leading character, but just one none the less.

It is totally yours AND Lou's decision to decide 'what' Santa represents in Jake's life. He can be that magical, caring figure who has the potential (in addition to God, don't flame me peoples...) to help Jake think about possibilities and dreams, even LONG after he doesn't believe. That's really what it represents to me.

As for the presents, decide what limits you would like to set. I would never deprive a child of presents, but also think they loose their special meaning if one receives too many. One of your friends posted above how she wished her parents would get bonds for her children. That is what I plan to do for Nathan, but in addition, I will buy him a quirky little gift that he will enjoy. Yes, and DON'T forget an ornament every year.... Even at 21 & 26, I do this for my guys. They line them up each year before putting them on the tree. Each one brings memories back; what happened that year, either good or bad. Chrismas time is all about making memories and possibilites. I trust you and Lou will make the right decision for your family. This is about the two of you together doing what is best.

Ho-Ho-Ho!!! Merry Christmas!!!!

[Becca]

Hey!

Well, I believed in Santa till around 9-10, and I'm ok (well, I think so, lol...my friends may disagree LOL) I loved the magic of it, even after I knew the "truth." The magic, the stories, seeing Santa in a store....made Christmas very special. It still does, I'm a big Santa fan.

My parents started a tradition mentioned up above in another post. Santa only brought me 3 unwrapped gifts, because Jesus only recieved 3. They also told me as I grew wiser about Santa, is that Santa helps bring about goodwill and peace during this Season of Christ's birth. Jesus is the reason for the Season, and Santa is a way of reminding ourselves of family, goodness, giving, and joy.

Santa doesn't have to bring all presents. My parents grew up on farms, and Santa literally brought them oranges, apples, and maybe peppermint. (Very Laura Ingalls)and in their families, their parents did the same thing - brought Santa up as an example of goodwill and Jesus together. There was nothing commercial about that. Santa is only as commercial as parents make him (what are they willing to buy?).

Another good idea to keep the message of Christmas true, is maybe have Jake give up a loved toy every year to another needy child, along with buying a child a new toy for Santa to bring him/her. What a lesson!! Plus, passing on the magic. Then, when Jake learns the truth, that as a person Santa isn't real, but his symbol of peace, love, goodwill, and sacrifice to live on in people is what is "real", and Santa is those actions personified - it will be easy for Jake to understand why there is a "Santa". Jake could always continue the tradition of giving children toys to pass that magic and goodwill to others, as well as keeping the magic alive for other beliving young children.

Hope these are some ideas for you. What ever you and your husband decide to do, it is your decision, and of course you guys are doing what is best!!! You are a wonderful mom! I have always been glad I knew and loved Santa, and I have never fully stopped believing, but you also have valid points, so it is what you think is best.

I think the solution will be in how you present the concept of Santa.

Good Luck!
Becca