In Search of Myself

Deep thoughts about being a mama

Do you ever have one of those moments when you look at your child and it hits you that this is NOT the longest baby-sitting job in the world, but that this is YOUR child. You grew him inside of you, he came out of you, you made the milk to sustain the beginning of his life. He is your flesh and blood, without you he wouldn't be there. You are his favorite person in the world, and he looks to you for comfort, love, and reassurance. He is YOURS, to love and to teach and to care for. This is the child you dreamed about, hoped for, and later prayed so hard for.

I had one of those moments yesterday. I was sitting on the couch with Lou, watching football (ok, reading a scrapbook magazine while Lou was watching football), and Jake was standing in his little chair next to me, watching "Winnie the Pooh" on his little DVD player. He kept climbing on me and snuggling with me, then getting down and running around, but kept coming back to me. I was watching him run around the living room and it hit me out of nowhere. I mean, I know he's my son, but sometimes it doesn't seem real, or the enormity of the whole thing just doesn't register with me. But like I said, I had a moment.

Then later that night, as I was laying with him trying to get him to go to sleep (and still dwelling a little bit on how proud I am of him for going pee-pee in the potty on command, and laughing because we do it every night before bed and that night he went and I asked him if that was all and I saw his face scrunch up and his little stomache muscles contract to make sure there was no more pee -- he is soooo funny), it dawned on me again how much I love this kid. He cuddled up against me and let me put my arm around him, let me kiss his head as many times as I want, then turned around, found my face, and planted a big kiss on my lips. (This is after laughing hilariously 5 minutes earlier as I kissed his newly-bathed feet and pretended to eat them, which he thinks is the funniest thing in the world.) Jake is such a little sweetheart. It's so hard for me sometimes to be away from him, because I'm so scared something is going to happen to him. He's so fast and gets away so quickly, sometimes I just pray and pray for God to send extra guardian angels for this kid so he doesn't get hurt.

Ok, and here's one more quick cute thing: yesterday afternoon Jake stood at the kitchen counter where I keep my camera, and pointed to it and basically begged me to get it out. I said "Do you want me to take a picture of you?" He said "Yeah yeah" and ran over to the stairway. He sat on the stairs and looked up at me and smiled a big smile. He is SO my child. (Click on picture to enlarge.)

P.S. thank you all for asking if I'm feeling better. I am functional. My throat is scratchy and I have gook in my throat that I'm working on coughing up (gross, huh!), but I am ok. I'm praying that this has almost run its course and won't turn into something else!!! Oh, and for those of you wondering about those medical tests I had run last month -- they were inconclusive. The CAT scan showed nothing out of the ordinary. The earlier ultra-sound showed there is nothing wrong with my ovaries or uterus (thank God!!!) Basically they have no idea what's wrong with me and it's not life-threatening, so I'm just letting it be and not worrying about it anymore. Fun, huh!

You know you're a mother when . . .

You see a hottie out on campus -- like seriously, a HOTTIE -- and your first two thoughts are (1) "I wonder what he looked like as a baby?" and (2) "I wonder if his mom is sad that he's away at college. I wonder if he calls her and appreciates her and tells her that he's having fun but he misses her."

Dude, I have problems.