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My last several entries (including two today) have been sad. I AM sad right now, but I also want to remember (and to remind you all) that there is joy in the world. There are good things. There are happy things. There are beautiful little baby Jay's who will smile at you and laugh if you zoom him in the air. Sometimes I just need to look at a smile like this to remember it's going to be ok.
I love you, baby Jay, and I love you, Cara, baby Jay's mama.
Jen
Last year Jake's birthday was on a Friday, and we woke up to the news on the radio that Johnny Cash and John Ritter had both died.
Lou had worked the night before so he wasn't home yet, and Jake and I were asleep in my bed. He was still nursing at the time. I was so sad to hear about both of them -- Johnny Cash was Lou's favorite musician, we listened to him all the time in our home, and I used to watch John Ritter in Three's Company when I was little.
I laid there and told Jake happy birthday, sad that the first thing I'd heard on his birthday was bad news. It was just a weird day.
Lou's great-Aunt Louise had died a month before, and a week later I would be diagnosed with viral meningitis and have to be in the hospital for 4 days. My cousin Nathan's baby Cole had been born 14 weeks premature on Aug. 3rd, and was still struggling.
Fall never is a good season for us, I guess.
This year we're surrounded with different sorrows.
Lou's Uncle David died in early August. My friend Aaron died August 30th. Our country is still at war. My cousin Melanie is so sick. My cousin Kim's son, Isaiah, was diagnosed in July with autism and she's trying so hard to juggle the 3 kids and his treatments. Baby Allie, who I don't know, but who I read about every day, is going through so much.
I tried so hard to be upbeat and happy for Jake's party, but during church service the day of his birthday, sitting alone in the pew and knowing that Jake was happily playing in the nursery with his friends, the tears rolled down my face the entire service.
There's such a sadness weighing on my shoulders right now. I know that a lot of my internet friends are sad now, too, whether it be wanting another baby or being unhappy with their geographical location or just plain depression. I want to make things better for people, but I can't.
I don't have an answer to any of this, but it is sweet what a member of my church wrote to me in an e-mail:
Jen, What tragic news you have shared with us this week! I was distraught over learning about your friend Aaron, and now to see that beautiful young girl with such a devastating outlook just breaks my heart. We will certainly be in prayer for the people involved in both situations. Thanks for sharing with us. And to think, all of this happening on top of celebrating the happy event of Jake's coming into your life two years ago. At least you have him to keep you, as well as the rest of us, smiling. Love, Rosalyn
Aaron was the boy that everyone loved. All the the little girls at camp had a crush on him. I think I probably would have had a crush on him, too, but he was just Kelly's brother to me. One of the people in the family that I so admired. There are people who go around trying to be perfect, and they annoy me, but this family was so real. They were fun and silly and were always joking around. All of them were athletic, and all of them were sweet to the core. I loved summer camp for so many reasons, but especially because I would get to see the Holleymans.
Kelly was always so silly. She was obsessed with "Gone with the Wind." She was selectively shy, especially when Davey, the college student music leader at camp that everyone was in love with but that I think secretly loved her, teased her and asked her to recite her favorite lines from the movie. After all these years, I still remember her smiling and sayin' "Quittin' time."
The first time I met Kelly we were at Centrifuge, a church camp my sisters and I went to just twice (as opposed to the Eastern Montana Bible Camp [EMBC], which we went to every year, sometimes twice a year, from 4th grade to 12th grade.) Kelly had just moved to Montana from Mississippi (and if you ask, she'll tell you the RIGHT way to say Mississippi is "mih-sippi.") We were in a small group together (which was actually about 25 people) inside doing a Bible study and it started snowing outside. Yes, it was June, but in Montana in the mountains sometimes it snows. She got excited and said "I've never seen it snow before!" and she ran outside. It was so cute. I guess I was 14 and she was 13. Somewhere around there.
There were a ton of people at that camp, so we didn't really get to know each other, but at EMBC a few weeks later there were a lot less people and we realized we'd both been at Centrifuge. We hit it off somehow and became church camp buddies. (Picture is my sister Kathy, our best friend Andrea, Kelly, and me.)
I got to know Aaron (and their little brother, Daniel, and their parents, Ross and Glenda) as we kept meeting up at camp, and since Ross was a pastor the whole family came to camp. I remember being so impressed with all of them. Glenda was so pretty and so nice and always took time to talk to me. Kelly called her "mama," which I thought was so neat -- no one in Montana really calls their mom that.
This picture is on the last day of children's camp, we were all junior counselors that year. The necklace Aaron has on my sister made for me, and he pestered me the whole week because he liked it so much. (For some reason Mary and I always called him "Aay-ron" instead of Aaron). I told him Mary would make him a necklace, but he wanted mine. I finally gave it to him because he was just so darn cute.
I love this picture of me and Aaron. This was the weekend I spent with the Holleymans at their home in Glasgow, Montana. I guess it was my junior year of high school, because Aaron was a year older than me, and I remember as we were sitting there, talking about how he was about to graduate and enlist in the army.I asked him why in the world he would do that. In retrospect, I think he just knew it's what he was supposed to do.
Since I heard about Aaron's death two nights ago, I haven't been able to think of anything else. I can't believe that someone I know was killed in war. I can't believe that of anyone in the world, it was one of the nicest guys I've ever known.
I do take comfort, of course, in the fact that he was a strong Christian and believed strongly in what he was fighting for, and he loved being a soldier. He's in Heaven now and I know we will see each other again.
My mom and sister and I were watching the news last night. I don't usually watch the news, but it was on and I was reading a magazine. I heard the name "Aaron Holleyman" and I looked up. Suddenly on the TV screen I saw a familiar face as the announcer said that Aaron had died in Iraq. Oh my god, no. Not Aaron. Oh my god.
me: Kathy, come in here. Look at the TV. It's Aaron.
mom: who?
Kathy: oh my god
me: Aaron, mom. Kelly's brother. Glenda and Ross's son. From church camp.
mom: is that your friends who lived in Glasgow who you went to see that time?
me: yes! oh my god. Poor Kelly. Poor Glenda.
(TV announcer): Holleyman leaves behind a wife and three young children . . .
My heart sank as I remembered meeting Kelly at church camp, spending time with her there over 4 summers. Playing volleyball and basketball with her and Aaron.
Talking to her mom, who I thought was so beautiful, and the coolest mom in the world. Their little brother Daniel, whose sweetness and lack of being annoying for being so young amazed me. Aaron talking me into giving him a necklace my sister had beaded for me because he thought it was so cool.
Going to visit them over a long weekend and having so much fun with such a great family. They are all truly good people.
Most teenage boys are selfish and mean and care only about themselves, but I can honestly say in those years that I knew Aaron Holleyman, I never experienced him to be anything but caring and respectful.
When I moved away from Montana after high school I lost touch with the Holleymans, but if they happen to Google this: I love you guys. I am so heart-broken for your loss. Aaron was a good man and he is my hero.
I hope that you will read more about Aaron's service here:
Parker Hahn
Great Falls Tribune
Billings Gazette
MilitaryCity.com
Missippi News
The Children of Heroes
I will write more about Aaron next week, after I have time to find some pictures. Everyone please say a prayer for those in Iraq and their families. Pray especially for Aaron's 3 small children and their mother, his parents, and his sister and brother. Click here to read my next entry about Aaron.
So my local best friend, Priscilla, is having a baby next week.
Priscilla was really hoping to have a family picture made of her, Ben, and their 18 month old daughter, Elauna, before the new baby was born. She didn't have any of just the 3 of them and she didn't want Elauna to be offended when she's older that there's not any pictures of just them. But she didn't get around to it, and the baby is due any day, so she asked me to do it. (It was Sept. 2 when I took these.)
I was wanting to use Priscilla to practice maternity pictures anyway, so it worked out for both of us. Ben or Elauna was 
making a face in almost all the family pictures, but I got a few that worked.
Taking pictures of a pregnant belly is harder than it seems! On TwoPeas, the scrapbooking site that I love to hang out on, there's a photography gallery where people post the pics they've taken. I'm always really interested in pregnancy pictures and of course looking at them I'm thinking "they should do this different . . . this is what's wrong with this picture . . " but I now have a whole new appreciation for anyone who gets even a half-decent picture.
The only picture Priscilla has of her pregnant with Elauna is a quick picture I took, so she wanted to make sure she had a lot of her belly this time. The lighting in her little house was awful, and the background was distracting, but hey, you gotta make the best of what you have to work with. Luckily she didn't have hugely high expectations for the pictures, so she was thrilled with them when I took them by yesterday. There were like 35 total. I had some fun trying to figure out how to convert some of the pictures into black and white and still keep the tones believable. (I love editing photos on the computer!!!)
Jake, in the meantime, was pulling at my shirt trying to get my attention the whole time I was taking pictures. He's a handful sometimes. He had fun playing in Elauna's ball pit (which was a hand-me-down from friends, Priscilla didn't buy it).
I was so proud of him for playing nicely with Elauna -- they actually INTERACTED and played together (a little.) Usually Jake cries and runs away when she gets too close to him, so we're actually making some progress here! I want so much for them to be good friends.
Priscilla really wants me to have another baby (like, right now) so the new baby (Aowyn) has someone to play with. She's silly. Aowyn is just going to have to deal with being the youngest when we get together to play. I can't wait to take pictures of Aowyn when she's born! It should be sometime in the next week. (You know I'll post some pictures here when I have them.)
Ok, is this the face of a happy kid, or what? We had a great Labor Day weekend. Jake and I just goofed off, laid around, relaxed. Lou worked Friday, Sunday, and Monday nights so he didn't have much of a weekend.
On Saturday Jake and I ran around and shopped for stuff for his party -- we've settled on a Sesame Street theme. Church was good on Sunday, Monday we went to my parents in the afternoon and dad grilled out for us. Jake played in the backyard and we let him play in his pool and oh my word he had a great time.
I'm in a hurry because I'm getting ready to go out the door for a doctor's appointment. This is the doctor who my GYN has referred me to, who hopefully will be able to shed some light on this pain in my side (which actually hasn't been too bad this weekend.) I'm tired of going to doctors, but hey, it breaks up the work day! Ha ha.
UPDATE: Doctor didn't have much to say. He took a blood and a pee sample, and scheduled me for a CAT scan Thursday. He was really nice, and I LOVED the lady who took my blood. She was so friendly and silly. Even complimented me on my hair.
I'm getting tired of appointment after appointment -- I think it's a conspiracy to see how much they can make me shell out in co-pays for multiple visits. But so far the doctor doesn't seem to be overly concerned that it's something serious, so I'm probably fine. Probably. It's all good, chickies.
The Jake-man is making some serious progress! He has major separation anxiety -- he can't stand to be alone. In fact, that's the one thing that can get him to behave, the threat of having to go sit in his room by himself. I guess he's like this because his first year he and I were together non-stop, and then once my mom moved here he's always with me or my mom. Sometimes I think he gets too much attention, but really you can't love a kiddo too much, and the attention he gets from us isn't spoiling at all -- we are both pretty strict with him and make him behave and will stick out a battle of wills until he does what he's asked. (Mom and I had to corner him and sit there for 10 minutes the other day before he would put some toy dishes back in the bin. He KNOWS he's not allowed to play with toys unless he's going to put them up, and he's usually fine with that. He just decided out of the blue that he didn't want to pick up when he was done. He screamed and screamed like we had beaten him, when we hadn't touched him, and he never gets spanked for not picking up, so it's not like he was afraid of getting spanked. He just throws this random fits and I wonder where in the world they're coming from. Welcome to having a 2 year old, right?
Anyway, that whole ramble was to make the point that Jake always wants to be with mom or me, even though he doesn't always get his way. To get him to go to sleep every night I have to lay down next to him until he falls asleep. But last night . . .
I put him on the couch,put in a Bear in the Big Blue House video, and turned out all the lights. I needed to download the pictures I'd just taken of Priscilla and her 8.5 month pregnant belly, so I told him to stay there and I would be right back. Usually this doesn't work well, but I figured I would try. He stayed on the couch for like 10 minutes while I was upstairs. I came back down to check on him, peeked around the corner, and told him I was going to check my e-mail and he was being SOOOO GOOD and I would be back in a little bit. He fell asleep on the couch! I was completely shocked. I do want to move him toward being a little more independent but I'm not going to be mean and force it if it's going to make him miserable. He and I have fights over enough things every day, I'm not going to add to that. But if I can subtly and gradually do this over time, more power to me, right?
Of course, we're not making THAT much progress, because this morning when I was getting ready to leave (you know, at 5:45 a.m.) I put Jake, still asleep, on the couch and took my stuff out to the car so I wouldn't have to carry him AND a bunch of stuff. He somehow woke up and realized I wasn't there, knew the front door was open and freaked out and thought I was leaving him. He was half asleep and toddled to the door, crying. Poor buddy. He fell right back asleep in the car and then when I gave him to my mom he laid down on her. She'll give him some love.
Saw a cool little test on GypsyMommy's blog and thought I'd take it myself. Here are the results:
What internet acronym are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Umm . . . yeah.
(complete with pictures that pop bigger when you click on them!!!
Let's take a break from all this fuss about whatever's wrong with me, and talk about something fun: Jake. Jake and the things he does and the way he is at almost 2.
Jake LOVES to play "vroom vroom" in mommy's car. If I don't grab him quickly enough after I unbuckle him from his carseat, he jumps up into the front seat to "drive." Sometimes I go ahead and just let him do this if we're not in a hurry to do something once we're home. The trouble is, though, once he starts he will NOT step away from this after any amount of time. I have to pry his little hands of the steering wheel while the neighbors listen to him scream until we get into the house. Embarassing, yes, but I'm hoping he'll eventually get to the point where he understands "You can play "vroom vroom" for 20 minutes and then we'll do it again tomorrow if you don't scream when I take you inside." No luck with this speech as of yet.
Kelly, this picture is for you: it reminds me of Nathan for some reason. The big brown eyes, chubby cheeks, red lips, serious look on his face. You'll note the red blotch on his forehead between his eyes -- that was self-inflicted. He kept pulling things down off his bookshelf and I told him not to. He decided that my soft-cover collection housed in a cardboard box Chronicles of Narnia would be a good read, so he pulled them down onto his face. When he gets hurt he gets annoyed and rubs the offending area on his body, sometimes comes to me for a kiss. When he's been misbehaving, though, he knows he's not going to get much sympathy, so he doesn't even try.
Ok, my child is a sticker snob! We tape fax paper down to the kitchen floor, then get out the crayons and a stack of stickers that I have weeded out from my scrapbooking collection (stickers I've found at Hallmark, Walmart, Dollar Tree, etc.) I'll hand him a sheet and he'll look them over and if they don't meet with his approval, he sighs and says "no no" and hands them back to me. And sitting in a chair to watch him isn't good enough -- I have to be down on the floor with him. Such a demanding little man!
Ah, how can you not love this face? He looks so innocent and sweet. Don't let him fool you, I'm sure he's got something up his sleeve!!! In fact when I took this picture he had crawled behind my piano and was hiding from me. (And usually when he hides from me, I get a lovely "surprize" afterwards. You toddler moms will know what I'm talking about.)
Any ideas how I can get him to stop making this face when he notices that I have the camera out? He's making me crazy. My mom taught him to do this like a YEAR ago and he still does it!!! It's so stinking hard to get a picture of his sweet, darling smile and not this obnoxious one. :)
You can see in this picture how excited he is. "Duck" was one of the first animal names he could tell me. At daycare when he was a baby they had a TON of little rubber ducks. If I remember, when I took this picture he was telling me all about it. I think his exact words were: "Mama! Mama. Duck. Quack. Mama. Quack." Silly little guy.
May 4th, 2002 Our wedding
September 14th, 2002. Going home from the hospital with 2 day old baby Jake!
10 days old and we're ALL worn out!
1st Halloween (6 weeks)
1st Christmas (3.5 months)
January 2003 ~ 4 months old
July 2003 ~ 10 months old
December 2003 ~ 15 months old
June 2004 ~ 21 months old 
Lou's 28th birthday. 10-23-2004. 
Easter 2005 ~ 30 months old 
