Just a little odd

So Proud!!!

SO PROUD of my boy.

For the past few months Jake's 3rd grade class has had timed multiplication tests 2 or 3 times a week.  (Reminder here that Jake is mainstreamed, is in a normal class.)

If you get a perfect score on a particular timed test you get to go to the next one. The time limit is what got him several times. They had to do 1s through 12s. (12s are hard!!! for me, anyway. Ok, fine, 7s and 8s are hard for me too. Jake has been able to do math in his head faster than me for like two years.)

ANYWAY. Jake brought this home today.  He was the first student in his class to pass all the tests. GO JAKE!!!

Don't ever let your child's disabilities or delays or issues convince you that they aren't capable.  I have stayed on Jake all these weeks, asking him about these tests, counting up by each number (4 8 12 16 20, etc), talking to him about how hard math can be for me, and how proud I am of him not just for having a brain that loves math in the first place, but for trying hard to learn new things.

I try to not consider parenting a race or competition, as children all develop differently and we need to be proud of them where they are.  But the fact that Jake was the first in his class to hit this accomplishment just about makes my heart explode.

Short-circuits

A few weeks ago I noticed the status of one of my friends on Facebook - her two-year-old daughter had pitched a fit when mom handed her a milk cup.  The little girl had wanted to get the cup off the counter herself!  Some people commented on the status that yes, aren't two-year-olds randomly stubborn and dramatic and silly sometimes.

Me, I was taken back to Jake's early years, where huge freak-outs would happen over the smallest things.  His big struggle for a while - he was about three - was which way we turned at the end of our street. Most of the time we turned right.  But there was a short-cut to avoid heavy traffic that we sometimes turned left to take.  And hoo, boy, when we turned left?  He would start crying - wailing - saying "We not 'posed to go left!  That wrong way!  We haf go right!"  Jake's dad and I would laugh at the oddness of Jake's distress, while assuring him that it's ok if sometimes we go the other way.  (Hey, at least we didn't get mad -  I think some parents might at that point.)

Now that I think about it, he also used to get really upset when his dad or I parked in the wrong spot in the driveway.  Mom's spot was on the right, dad's spot was on the left.  What was really funny is when we had switched cars for the day - no matter where we parked he'd be mad; the car might be in the wrong spot, but the driver didn't go there!  It's like when those parking spots didn't line up with his expectations, his whole world was "off" for a while.

So when I replied to my friend's status on Facebook?  Here's what I said.

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Sometimes when a little kiddo has an action planned - obviously, she was intending to grab the milk - and then something happens to get in the way of that expectation, it's like there's a short circuit in their brain and they're not sure how to quickly switch gears.  So yelling or throwing a fit is the result.  Kind of like when you're taking a step when you think there's one more stair left, and you're already in the process of taking the step and can't really adjust - you trip or fall LOL. 

I ran into that a LOT with Jake when he was younger, he's much better at making quick adjustments now.  (My official two cents as a parent who had to read a ridiculous amount of literature on the developing child's brain and coping with developmental issues LOL)

-----

So long story short . . . sometimes kids do things that are completely random, and react in a way that as parents, we kind of think is crazy.  But I'm more likely to give kids the benifit of the doubt these days, and realize that even though *I* can't understand their reasoning, that doesn't mean they don't have a perfect good reason for being upset.

P.S. That stair comment?  Kind of ironic at the moment, since yesterday I tripped down the stairs and sprained my ankle.  Jenny for the win!

Suprising your child with a new book

Books, literature, and literacy and very high among my priorities in life.  I love books and the learning process, and I want to make sure I instill this interest and JOY in my child.

Jake has had an obsession with pugs since we bought the movie "Milo and Otis" when he was 18 months old.  He loves all dogs, but LOVES pugs.  I have bought so many books with photographs of dogs, they take up an entire shelf on the bookcase - but when I was at Goodwill yesterday, I found a book by Animal Planet JUST about pugs.  I thought for a second that it would be silly to buy YET ANOTHER dog book, then thought you know?  This will be a fun surprise for Jake.

Buying special books for your child that you KNOW he will be interested in is a great way to reinforce that (a) you pay attention and know what he likes, and (b) literacy is important in your home.  I have found that there are good ways and bad ways to give children the gift of books.

 

Bad way: giving a book on a traditional present day like birthday or Christmas.  For some reason many children see this as an affront because a book is not a toy or a video game.  Same goes for gifts of clothes.  :)  Hey, they're kids - humor them.  Remember what it felt like when YOU were a child and were disappointed by a present.

Good way: an out-of-the-blue, just because I like you gift!

 

Bad way: saying "I have a surprise for you!" and then pulling out a book.  Again, it's an affront because expectations for something really cool are raised - books are cool, but it's disappointing for a child (remember, children have different minds than adults) to get excited about all the potential things the surprise could be, and then . . . oh, it's a book.

Good way: saying "I found a book I thought you would like today, so I bought it for you!"  Then the surprise is . . . I wonder what kind of book mom got me?!

 

Bad way: drawing attention to every single book you acquire for your child as if it were a special present.  Some books are useful, even cool and interesting, but not exciting.  If you say "I got you a new book!" and it turns out to be a book he's probably not ready to read for two years - but you just know he will love it THEN! - he's going to shrug and not pay attention the next time you announce a new addition to your library.

Good way: make a big deal of the special books, the ones you truly got especially for him because of his interests.  And let him keep these special books in a place apart from all the other books.  (Or, in the case of our many, many dog books, designate a special shelf for them.)

 

P.S. I was right.  Jake giggled like a fool when I showed him this book, and even brought it to bed with him.  Score 1 for mom!  :)

 

Happy reading!

Sometimes you need to be detatched

I had a pretty late night with Jake last night.  For him, being hyper coincides with needing less sleep than a normal person.  I used to be like that, but I'm constantly burning the candle at both ends lately, and buddy I NEED SOME SLEEP.  Once Jake finally fell asleep, I twittered the following two items to help me process the evening so I could try to sleep:

1.  Sometimes the understanding of Jake's neuro issues and hyper-activity is all that keeps me from freaking out at him. He's a lot sometimes.

2.  I DID tell him, if (A) were your mother, she would have screamed at you by now, and if (B) were your mother, she would have spanked you.

When I said that, his response was "Well you're a better mother than they are." 

HAHA.  Umm, thanks?

Anyway.

This morning I was having an email conversation with a co-worker across campus, regarding getting overwhelmed in our day jobs as secretaries / office drones (when really we are creative types bent on CREATING!)  She mentioned she already had a slight stress break-down that morning, and this was my reply:

. . . . . . . . . .

Seriously, just take it one thing at a time.  Detach yourself from emotion involved in a task – a task is a task.  No value judgment needed.  It’s ok to say no, or “I don’t have an answer for that right now.  Let me take your name and number.” 

I have had to learn to detach myself from emotions and the situation I’m in because of Jake.  Sometimes when he’s being ridiculous or having a melt-down, I have to go through the motions, feelings turned off, until the crisis is over.  The words I use are statements rather than emotion-filled interactions. Otherwise I’m reacting to him and escalating the problem rather than diffusing it.

. . . . . . . . . .

Are you able to find a place of detachment to deal with high stress situations?  Or do your emotions get the best of you?

Homebody.

If it were up to Jake, he would never leave our house.  He very often breaks down due to being away from home for too long, or not having at least one day during the weekend when we don't leave the house at all. 

We have an argument almost every time I ask him to get his shoes on and get ready to go somewhere with me - even if it's just out for 20 minutes to get groceries.  He does have his moments when he's decided that he wants to go somewhere - this usually involves a quest for sugar or for toys - but on the whole, he wants to be home.

Jake's new idea is that he should be home-schooled.

If he were home-schooled, Jake reasons, he'd never have to leave the house.  I would save money on gas because I wouldn't have to drive him to school (never-mind that school is less than a mile away and on my way to work.)  All this, plus I could spend more time with him: "Mom, do you like taking care of me?"  "Of course I do, Jake." "Well you could take care of me MORE!  Wouldn't you like that, mom?"

The real reasons I suspect he's asking me 50 times a day if he can be home-schooled are (1.) he hates getting up in the mornings, (2.) he's not fond of the hustle and bustle of the school day (too much sensory information coming at him) and (3.) he thinks he could play Wii for "recess."

Now I think homeschooling is great and amazing and a wonderful option for a lot of families.  But I also know that Jake's needs are being met in our local school district and that he REALLY needs the structure of the school day and being around his peers.  It's almost like exposure therapy for him - the more time he spends at school and learning to cope with what makes him uncomfortable (i.e. anything that involves leaving the house), the better he's able to cope in every other area of life.  And my big picture goal is that he will be able to function independently as an adult, so the whole coping with life thing is kind of important.

When I explained to Jake that I am a single mom and working is necessary for us to have a house and to buy food - and thus there is NO way I could stop working to school him full-time - he said "Maybe my Nana can do it."

My mom has taken care of Jake while I work from the time he was 13 months old.  I moved to Nashville from Montana in 1997, and my parents followed in 2003, to be close to Jake.  They have been a huge help, and it's great that he has such a close relationship with them.  Now that Jake is school age, he spends every day with my mom during the summer, and during the school year she picks him up each day after school.

My mom told me the day after Jake and I had the initial home-school conversation that he asked her if SHE could home-school him.  She was asking him questions about why he was asking, and he ended up asking her:

"If my mom says yes, can you move in tomorrow to start?"

Asperger's in the news

I read a news article today about a book I have noticed in bookstores -  The Best Kind of Different: Our Family's Journey with Asperger's Syndrome.  (Well done on the book title!  And I do have to say that I love whenever a new book comes out that will grab people's attention --more people understanding about Asperger's, autism, developmental disabilities, etc., can only be a good thing.)

Anyway, some of the things in the article caught my attention, and not necessarily in a good way.  I think that the book author - and article author, for that matter - was trying to make the point that it's confusing and frustrating as a parent when you don't know why your child is acting the way he does.  But the quotes kind of bothered me:

“I was stuck in a place of sadness,” said Schilling.

and

"... giving a poignant speech at a charity dinner, detailing the trials and tribulations of raising a child that they did not know had this disease..."

Doesn't that give the impression that parenting a child with Asperger's will leave you depressed and flailing?  I'll completely admit that it IS confusing and frustrating when you don't understand your child . . . but I think it needs to be said that there is JOY, and there is love, and there is every-day routine and familiarity, even with a not-so-normal child.  It's not like we're in a refugee camp trying to ensure our survival.  It's rough, yes, but all parenting is rough. 

Maybe I'm being defensive.  It wouldn't be the first time.  On one hand I do want people to understand that raising a non-neuro-typical child is an obstacle course.  But on the other . . . well here, story of a recent conversation I had:

I have a close friend - also named Jen - whose 11 year old daughter has Down Syndrome.  We often talk about disabilities and parenting, and she gives me great advice about Jake.  We were talking once about how really, our kids are pretty great - and she told me, "If you're going to have a child with special needs, Down Syndrome is the way to go.  She's verbal, she can do things on her own . . . you will never meet a more loving child.  It could really be a lot worse."

. . . and I feel the same way.  I was thinking about this the other day as we left Target to drive home.  I don't think about special needs or burdens when I'm with Jake.  I think about keeping up with him if he darts away from me, yes, but mostly I'm thinking about how funny he is, what he might tell me next, which game he'll ask me to play with him when we get home.  And typical mom stuff - when's the last time he had a bath?  is he hungry?  thirsty?  Because sometimes he forgets to tell me.  We talk about math and video games and how fast he can run.  He tells me something completely random, and I remind him to not chew on inappropriate things like the water bottle cap in his mouth.  When we're almost to our driveway, I ask him if he's going to check the mail for me.  He usually says yes.

He's my kid.  He's just who he is.  And we are happy.

Pay attention!

I just got home from work and made some rice (which is pushing it for me - I rarely, if ever, cook) and went to grab some shredded cheese to put on top of it . . . and the bag of shredded cheese was wide open.  To be fair, it WAS put back in the fridge.  And luckily Jake had only used it yesterday, so there wasn't enough time for the cheese to completely spoil.  It's just a little more firm than I prefer.

Still, annoying.  And not an isolated incident.

A few months ago, Jake's dad came up the stairs very early in the morning, and very mad.  Through gritted teeth, he asked who had left the fridge door wide open all night.  Yes, all night.  Everything in our fridge was ruined.

The night before, after I was already upstairs for the night, Jake had decided he wanted one more snack.  I let him delay bedtime to run downstairs to grab a cheese stick.  (Hmm, cheese again.)  And I know what happened, because I know my child. 

What he was thinking about was the cheese stick.  He wasn't thinking are the lights turned back off as I leave the room?  He wasn't thinking am I watching where I'm walking so I don't trip and fall? (Happens a lot.)  He certainly wasn't thinking did I make sure to close the fridge door so all the contents won't ruin overnight?  No, in his one-track-mind way of functioning, he was thinking about the cheese stick.  And he acquired it, so there was nothing further to focus on at that moment.

Once he realized that morning what happened to all our food, Jake genuinely did feel bad about it.  And he didn't really get in trouble for the event, because it was as much my fault for letting him go downstairs by himself to mess around in the fridge as it was his for not paying attention.  I chalked it up to another learning experience for both of us.

Great article about ADHD

I just read a great article at additudemag.com - "I knew I was smart."  I think these days things are better than they were 10 or 20 years ago (in terms of identifying and accommodating learning disabilities and developmental disorders), but I still wish there were more focused efforts in schools toward not expecting all children to fit the same educational mold. 

As a piano teacher I feel that if a student isn't learning a concept, it is my responsibility to find another way to present it.  I know that one-on-one instruction is very different than managing a classroom of 20 children, but somehow I think this idea still applies.

At any rate . . . the author of this article found a way to be successful in life, because she (eventually) found a way to focus her quirks to her advantage.  She also had the support of a parent who pushed her and kept her focused during college.  (I have to wonder where parental support was in her younger years, but she doesn't mention that.)

One last thought . . . this article is a perfect example of how intelligence doesn't necessarily translate to success in school.  I love when she says "At age 5, I could figure out instructional diagrams, assemble furniture, and hook up stereo equipment."  One of the things I try to focus on with Jake is zeroing in on his talents and skills - random though they may be - and helping him to develop those and feel good about them.  The fact that my child can hold his own in a two hour Monopoly game (and usually win) is more important to me than the fact that at 7 he still can't tie his shoes.  We can always buy velcro.  :)

Fine Motor skill-builders

Today I was randomly looking over my Amazon profile, and found a list I made of products that help build fine-motor skills in babies, toddlers, and children.  I wrote it in 2007 when Jake was 5 and in still in Occupational Therapy - we were really focusing at the time on his fine motor skills.  I owe a lot of what I know about such things to our lovely O.T. Rachael, and to many of the books I have listed to the right.

I think a lot of people would be surprised how easy it is to start including fine-motor activities in playtime . . . especially since so many really fun things help to build those skills!  Many of you are probably already doing some of these activities with your children and not realizing how great they are for development.

If any of the kiddos in your life struggle with fine-motor skills (or if you just want to learn more about it), you can read the list here.

A Missed Conversation

Yesterday there was a pets event at the family bakery.  There's a lady who sells pet treats at the bakery, and she does fun events from time to time.  Folks brought their pets to come sit on Santa's lap for pictures, and treats and toys were available for purchase.  Jake and I went, bringing one of his stuffed animal dogs.  We mostly went to keep my mom company - she was taking the pictures - and to see everyone else's pets.

One lady was there with two large dogs, and with her adult son.  I had noticed him at the last pets event, which was in August.  He is clearly disabled - although now that I think about it, maybe it's clear just to those experienced with such things? - but I'm not sure exactly his diagnosis.  He is mobile, but his movements jerky, talks to himself, sometimes tries to talk to others but doesn't make sense, wanders a bit in circles but stays fairly close to his mother.

I happened to be sitting by her; we talked a bit about her dogs, and she let Jake pet them.  She turned to ask her son how he was doing, and whether he wanted to get a donut or a cookie.  He didn't answer her, but instead walked off a bit, again walking in circles and talking to himself.  Her gaze followed him before returning to mine.

I asked her, "Is he your son?"

She said "Yes.  And he just had a birthday.  He's 30."

I wanted to reply, "My son has special needs too."

Instead I just said "Oh really?  That's how old I am."

And I'm not sure why.