Coping with death

So it's been a weird couple of weeks.

We found out on Nov. 8th that my older sister died.  We were two years apart, and she was just 33.

Jake met Mary once, when he was 3, so he doesn't remember her.  I think this is a bit of a blessing in disguise - were something to happen to my other sister, who Jake is best buddies with, he would be inconsolable.

The day we got the news, Jake spent the night at his dad's house so I could have some time to myself.  This was a Monday, and Jake typically spends the night at his dad's house only on Fridays.  The next day, my good friend Jen was watching Jake for the afternoon.  When I picked him up, I asked how it went. 

She told me that when she told Jake was she sorry that his aunt died, Jake shrugged and said "I didn't know her.  But Monday I wasn't with my mom and that made me sad.  I missed her."

I kind of laughed when she said that, and responded that it was a typical autistic response if I've ever heard one.  She said "But he said he missed you!  That's good, right"?" 

I told her that he didn't miss ME, he missed having a normal day.  He was upset that his schedule got disrupted - and do you know, he talked about that Monday being wrong for a full TWO WEEKS!!!  I'm pretty sure if it comes up in conversation, he would still tell me that's not the way Mondays are supposed to go.

. . . . . . . . . .

I set up a blog with links to our memorials and pictures about Mary; it can be found here: Mary Ellen Strange.

Comments

[Laura]

You don't know me, but I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Losing a sibling is very difficult, and I hope your path to healing is a quick one.

Also, this may be way out of bounds because NO ONE knows your child better than you do, but I'm an Aspie, and I feel compelled to encourage you not to be so sure that he didn't miss YOU. The upset to the schedule is somewhat traumatizing to be sure, I hate it when my routine is messed with. But it's still likely that he missed you. You're his mommy. :-) And it could be that part of why he talked about it for two full weeks had to do with your absence. Mondays aren't supposed to be without Mommy. This one was, and it made him sad. In my book, that's missing you, more than the schedule.

I hope I haven't offended you. I'm not trying to pretend I know your child better than you do. That's not possible to any degree.

Again, my sincerest condolences on the loss of your sister.

[Jen Strange]

This is a great comment, thank you.  You are so, so right.  I have been really troubled the last few weeks about how my reaction to this all has been troubling Jake, and how Im letting him down.  The week following Marys death, I didnt study his spelling words with him AT ALL, and he got an 11/16 when he usually gets a 15/16 or 16/16.  I felt awful.  I made sure to tell his teacher that was completely my fault, as Jake is a GREAT student.

Ive talked a bit with Jake about how I feel bad about not being myself lately, but I have coupled it with allowing him more computer and Wii privileges - he actually said the other day Its ok if you need to go rest, that means I get to play computer for longer.  haha.

Im also making sure he gets to spend extra time with who he calls his best friend - MY best friends husband, who loves to play computer games with Jake.

thanks for leaving a comment!!!

jen

[Laura]

Don't be too hard on yourself. This is a tough time, and we all handle it the best we know how. Further, it sounds like you're doing a great job. Keeping the lines of communication open, and making sure you're both getting love and support from those around you, is a great way to handle the situation. Keep your chin up.